OR, PEOPLE TO AVOID WHILE TRAVELLING SOLO OR INDEED AT ANY TIME.
So, for the last two days we had a problem guest.
Now when I say a problem he was off his tits with booze and god knows what when he and his wife arrived. He had that crazy Mexican look that is their speciality when a little loco in one way or the other The couple came in from Tulum supposedly and ridden down on a scooter. It was Sunday the day of the election and me and my like-minded pals from the States looked uneasily at each other when he started slurring to us ‘I can hear your bell’ and ‘I want to talk to you about your energy’. Well I know where my energy was now I saw him, at fever pitch. And my bell was an alarm bell in my head, as I liked this guy, not one bit. He shouted to Sonia to keep the beers flowing and anyone else saying that after the long trip from Tulum I would totally sympathise with, but with this guy, it took on a whole sinister meaning. I felt like he was going to get guns out of a holster and shoot at her feet shouting ‘Arriba, Arriba It was straight out of a Mexican cowboy film. You know what I mean when the bad guys come into town and everybody rushes into their houses and closes their shutters and doors, leaving the once busy place like a ghost town with just the sound of the wind blowing and whistling
The wife tried to drag him into their room four times for a shower, and four times he staggered back out. She was a hard-nosed thinly eyebrow pencilled senorita with no chin and a whopping arse. He was on a beer mission and out to aggravate anyone he could grab hold of. He was a nasty drunk parading as some kind of deeply religious person. He had a squinty eye with a sty on it which added to his menace somehow as you didn’t know which eye to look in and he clicked his fingers demanding attention so you had to furtively look at him at which he got even nastier. Never look a mad dog in the eye, either one in this case.
Now here’s the thing, they don’t take a person’s details here if they walk in off the street. It’s the most casual thing ever and clearly not the best of ideas as this example shows. They have my details as I originally booked with Booking, but I’ve seen a lot of people who just turn up and give absolutely no details. They had parked their scooter away from the hotel (very suspicious I would say) and from time to time she would go off to get something or check something and ask us to keep an eye on him. It all smelled a bit fishy to me and my American friend didn’t help by saying it’s not him we should worry about but whoever is after him (for by then, we had decided he was a fugitive on the run who had possibly stolen something from the drug cartel).
I went to my room and got all my valuables putting my passport and money in my bumbag and migrated, after locking my door, to the massage room otherwise known as my office. I was going to download as much shit as possible as work clearly was not on the cards at the OK Corral. For a while, he was out of sight so I quickly cooked my steak and compromised it with instant sour cream mash instead of the chips and fresh veg I was going to have with it. I wanted it done as quickly as possible and as quietly for surely, he would be out again shortly. Sonia and I tiptoed around the tiny kitchen sweating and covered with flies as I badly cooked my very expensive steak and instant mash and opened a can of lager to go with. Do you know how loud opening a can of any type is, when a psychopath, junky alcoholic is in a light slumber? We both tittered somewhat hysterically at the noise and I went and scoffed it giving most of it to the dogs while having a rapid chat to my mates before we all went to our rooms and locked up. I’m not ashamed to say I put a chair under the handle of my door that night.
The next day he emerged from his room smart and wearing posh wire-rimmed glasses (possibly to correct that nasty squinty eye) and totally unapologetic he and his wife got their breakfast and said they would be cooking the lunch for us all that day. Now call me old fashioned but I wasn’t having none of that. He called me over to taste his sauce, I thought that was safe but it had coriander in it which I hate, but I said it was excellent (bar the coriander), I just didn’t want to piss him off about his fucking cooking. Swimming dog and I had a date so I sneaked off to have a wallow in the Sargasso before reaching the limpid waters further out. We had a damn good old swim for about half an hour We took our time and even had a little walkies too but still we still didn’t escape the lunch debacle that was ensuing. Now I include swimming dog in not partaking in this meaty massacre for I didn’t want her to eat what I now thought was spiked human flesh either. He shouted to come to eat for I did eat steak, didn’t I? I flinched but said no. He then said to say grace or didn’t I believe in god. I remained standing and said “I bless the food you are about to eat”. I was shocked at saying something so bizarre but continued boldly “and thank god for this meal”. I then walked off to get a can of beer feeling daggers in my back. He kept insisting I should join them, by then he had dragged in the staff for lunch, he shouted loudly across the sand to the table I sat at and I repeatedly said no, but thankyou, that I always had a rest after swimming with the dog and that I wasn’t hungry! He was clearly irritated by my refusal and said that we would have a chat after they ate. This was more of a threat than a pleasantry At that point he was still sober but still, you could see that bullying attitude. They had also cooked the lentils I had soaked for my very separate lunch later and clearly, I was a very antisocial rude person for they had cooked my lentils so I could join them. I’m glad I am a stubborn person and won’t be bullied into this kind of situation
Top Tip: NEVER feel bullied into some situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. As an English person I was taught to be polite and find it very difficult to say no to this kind of offer. The “just say no” slogan should be adhered to. It really doesn’t matter a damn if that person is insulted, if you don’t want to do something don’t do it and trust your instinct.
I then went to my room and waited until I saw he and his wife had migrated to the beach and were with a couple of other people so I then speedily cooked some macaroni and piled on olives butter and parmesan before being caught red-handed as he came up from the beach to get more beer. By then he was three sheets to the wind again and wanted to know why I wasn’t eating the lentils he had cooked for me. When was this guy just going to get off my case? Now I forgot to say that in the morning my mates had left super early without me knowing obviously wanting to escape this foul man. I was left with only Sonia to complain to. How had he got so pissed again? Not only from beer that’s for sure. As he lurched back to the beach I just said to Sonia I wasn’t going to wait around for his return and again went to my room and sweated on my siesta bed in my wet swimming costume.
What to do? Throughout the course of the evening he grew louder and more obnoxious and as I saw, peeking out of my window, now a professional curtain twitcher, fell over a table twice before crashing to the sand and grovelling around there before getting to his feet and going back down to the beach again. All through the night there was much shouting and arguing between the two in their room next door it was a nightmare. I was already making plans to leave the hotel should they stay any longer.
Hellishly the night continued with drunken brawling next door, and it was only the next morning I found out from Sonia that she had had to come down to try to quieten them. She also told me that while on the beach he had gone up to one of the fishermen and said how he was a professional fighter. Now why didn’t that surprise me? She went back upstairs to her room then they came sneaking out and I looked at them stony-faced and said that Sonia was upstairs as I knew they still had stuff to pay for on the bill. They continued to walk out and it was only when I called up to her they came back and the woman threw up a stone to her door in a very aggressive way. They had tried to leave without paying, these bastards, and even had the cheek to ask for two more beers to add to their bill.
OVER AND OUT FROM THE OK CORRAL.
Soho art offices and my sculpture in London, then my old film work amd fashion modelling. Check it out.